Holding On, Letting Go
by shinamarih
Summary: An alternate story starring Mike Shinoda and ()Chester Bennington through the eyes of one woman they both loved.
1. Prologue

_Prologue_

 **September 2012**

He's asking for just one more chance, Kel.

I stare at my phone, in disbelief that he's letting his best friend do his bidding for him. I toss it on to bed, already sick and tired of the crap I've had to put up with over the last few months.

Working with the biggest rock band in the world has been an absolute dream for me. They swooped me in at a time when my career was going down south faster than a speeding bullet. I didn't even know I was on their radar and that they were having issues with their publicist at the time.

I even managed to resurrect my personal life by falling in love with their lead singer, Chester. I knew coming into the relationship that he'd have major baggage, but my heart felt big enough that I'd be able to carry us both. For a time, I thought I did. He dedicated himself to being clean and sober after we started becoming official a year later. I felt on top of the world, even managing to snag a few more bands in the process until it all started crumbling down four years later.

Which brings us to the text message I just ignored.

The phone started to vibrate and an internal debate commenced in me whether to take the call or not. I have had enough. I tried my best to make things work but he totally shut me down.

Reluctantly, I pick up my cell and swipe right to take the call. I'd have to think about switching numbers.

"Mike," I began exasperatedly, "I've said all I ha—"

"Kelly, it's me."

My stomach plummeted to my feet upon realizing who it was.

Little did I know it would literally be the last time I'd be hearing his voice.


	2. 1

"So…what do you think? It's totally so far off from what we've done, but…"

I look at the clock which read 6:15. I panic a little, realizing I have to be at Staples Center by 8pm for Hozier's meet and greet before his show at 9.

I've managed to keep in touch with Mike over the last five years despite me leaving them when I broke up with his best friend, Chester. Our friendship endured, and right now he's on video call with me, asking my opinion after giving me a private listening session of their upcoming album, One More Light.

I'll have to admit that hearing my ex-boyfriend's voice still haunts me every single time. But listening to their new record literally took my breath away. In the five years I've worked with them, I never thought I could hear him sing with such nuance and passion despite the absence of his usual screeching and screaming.

"Well," I began. "I've always thought your best work was The Hunting Party, but I think you got something special here. I've never heard you and Chaz sing like that before, and I gotta say it's gorgeous."

Mike's face lit up on the screen as I smiled at him.

"Really?"

"Really, really."

His smile grew wider as I grinned at him. I asked him to play the title track again.

"Um, Mike?"

"Yeah?" I could see him fumbling with something in the background.

"How is he?"

Mike stopped what he was doing and turned to face me again.

"Chaz?"

I nodded. It had been the first time I asked about him after so long.

"Well, he knows that we're still in touch, and I can tell he wants to ask about you but every time I think he's going to finally do so, he stops and chickens out. I don't think he ever got over you, Kelly, and I don't think he ever will."

"You don't know that," I said quietly.

"Kel, I've known Chester for almost 20 years now, and I haven't seen him fall this hard for someone before. He's in a really good place, and I really think you ought to give yourselves a shot again."

I stayed quiet, not knowing what to really say to that. I didn't doubt Mike's words, after all, he knew Chester better than anybody else. I wanted to regret asking him about my ex, but I wanted to know. I had to know how he was doing, because I'm growing tired of repressing the fact that there had been nobody else I've been wanting than him, and that there will be nobody else.

We ended the video call with Mike asking me to at least try to think about reconnecting with Chaz. I didn't set anything in stone, but that I'll definitely think about it.

It's been five years. And just like him, I never truly moved on. Come to think about it, I haven't even had one night stands just to satisfy the physical desire of wanting a warm body beside me. I was afraid that I'll see him instead of the person in front of me and that would be totally unfair.

Why else would I have kept in touch with Mike after all these years?

Michael Kenji Shinoda. He's been the one constant thing in all of this for me. I'm not the typical girl's girl in that I don't have a girl best friend, instead, I have Mike. After all, he was the one who saw the teensy tiny advertisement I put out on the LA Times as a last resort to find work. If there was anyone I'd credit part of my success to, it would be him. He's proven to me time and time again what he promised me when the band hired me, that he'll always have my back and protect me. I know that kind of sounds backwards me being a publicist and all, but for some reason, I really did feel he was always looking out for me.

I've already lost count of how many times he'd been there for me to talk to whenever Chaz and I had problems. He'd just sit beside me and listen to me bitch about how unreasonable his best friend is becoming and he'd always, always made me see things differently from his perspective. Come to think of it, he was the one thing that kept me and Chaz together until I couldn't bear it anymore.

Some of the guys even told me that Mike actually had a thing for me, even before Chester and I got together. That he was gonna get a move on, but it was Chaz who openly spoke first about being attracted to me. I didn't believe it though, since I never really saw any indication that there was at least a slim truth to it at all.

" _Then why is he, in consistent, seemingly miraculous fashion, always the one person who continues to push you and Chaz together?"_

 _I was sitting in my office when the four pods, Rob, Brad, Phoenix and Joe, as I loved to call them, stormed in and started interrogating me._

" _Oh come on, Brad, give me a break! Mike doesn't like me like that!"_

 _It was Phoenix's turn to grill me._

" _Listen," he took the pen off my hands and twirled it in between his fingers. "Shinoda doesn't always like to verbalize his feelings to us, but I'll be damned if we didn't realize Castle of Glass was about you."_

" _Preach, bro." Joe responded. Rob nodded._

" _Shut the f*ck up, will you? Don't you have, I don't know, tracks to finish?!"_

 _I shoved them all out one by one, in shock that they can even insinuate Mike, Chester's very best friend, is also interested in me. Brad was last to leave, and he handed me a USB stick before closing the door._

" _I know you're madly in love with Chester and all, but just take a listen, okay? It's just painfully obvious, is all."_

 _I scroll through my phone and play the song again._

 _Wash the sorrow from off my skin_

 _Show me how to be whole again_

 _'Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass_

 _Hardly anything there for you to see_

I shake my head and chuckle. Castle of Glass definitely isn't about me and Mike for sure doesn't have any feelings for me apart from being a friend.


End file.
